My so-called life as an intern for DIVA

Usually the Transport For London website is a convenient tool for planning bike routes around London, but today, on my first day as an intern I found myself riding in ever widening circles around the Holloway Road trying to follow the omissive directions I'd found online. The site said fifteen minutes from A to B, so I gave myself thirty, and forty-five minutes later I was muttering obscenities loud enough to startle pedestrians, doing giant U-turns in the middle of busy roads and zooming through red lights. It was already ten minutes past ten in the morning and despite the relaxed hours kept my magazine journalists, I knew I was pushing it.

The thing is, I've just returned from Canada where I became very used to cycling on the right hand side and being able to SEE street signs because they were on posts on the corner of the street, not TACKED TO THE SIDE OF A BUILDING or strung up against some railings being rapidly overtaken by The Bush. So maybe it wasn't all TFL's fault, but couple their failure to mention CRUCIAL TURNINGS in the journey description plus London's medieval layout - I'm not a local, in case you were wondering - and you've got yourself a stereotype: sweaty, bedraggled, be-dreadlocked, arms festooned with ragged festival wristbands, I struggle in to the office wearing a purple tank top and bright yellow trainers half an hour late. My heart is pounding, my shirt's stuck to my back and suddenly I'm aware that I am dressed like a courier.

Despite having worked in the DIVA offices before, I paused for a moment wondering if I might be subject to the evil stares of well-dressed queers, but within an hour of arriving at my desk my fears are abated as all editorial eyes scrutinise a heart-warming calendar - available NOW for 2010! - depicting lesbians from New Zealand posing with their pooches. Flicking through it I notice there's a sad truth to the myth of the lesbian urge to merge. The two women on the front cover look like kissing cousins. It's not all glamour at DIVA though, my next task involves doing research on how to get out of it. If only the editor knew how much I've been practicing for this moment for the best part of my adult life.
- The Intern